Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
