I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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