garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
