It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
