i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
