Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
