Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
