Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
