I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
