no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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