ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
