I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
