I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
