Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
