Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
