lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
