You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
