ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
50% drunk capacity currently
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
