my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she pinky promised me she was 18
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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