I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
