yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
