im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
