Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My feet surprised me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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