my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
