She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
