I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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