I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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