dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
