Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
