come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
