why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
