you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
