Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
