Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
