I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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