Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
