I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
