Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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