dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
