It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
