Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
