Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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