It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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