70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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