its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
