You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
