At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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