This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
