I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
