your parents love me but you hate me
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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