woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
