So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
