your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
