My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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